Sexual Addiction Recovery0

We interviewed Cynthia Mann, the Summit’s Counseling Director, for insight on how the Summit addresses sexual addiction and how any local church can tackle this issue.

If you’ve been around the church world long, you know there is a tendency for most churches to avoid messy topics. Not many pastors enjoy standing in front of a crowd to speak about pornography, chronic masturbation, marital infidelity, homosexuality, etc. Most pastors avoid these issues like the plague, as if they speak about these things, there entire congregation will turn into a bad episode of The Simpsons, The Hills, or Desperate Housewives. Unfortunately, many people in our church have messy lives, and if we choose to ignore the mess, we’re doing a disservice to our people and the power of the gospel. The gospel has a lot to say about every area of our lives, even the messy parts. Here’s how the church can serve those who struggle with sexual addiction.

What things can a church do to create a safe environment to talk about sexual struggles and sexual addiction?

1. First of all, the church can faithfully preach Scripture…Scripture abounds with passages that address sex.  Sex is a part of life, we see it celebrated (Song of Solomon), we see warnings against sexual sin (think the book of Proverbs and parts of the Epistles), but most importantly, we see real biblical characters often falling into sexual sin (one of the most powerful and hope-giving of which is David).  The story is not just about their sin, but about their restoration and redemption before a just, loving Father.
2. Secondly, the church needs to be a place where it is safe to be a sinner.  In other words, not a place where a mask of perfection is required.  One of the ministries of our church, Recovery Ministry, often uses the phrase, “We’re all one of those people.”  In other words, one of those imperfect, struggling sinners in need of redemption.  Once we become comfortable with the fact that we are sinners, we are able to address specific sins such as sexual sin.
3. Finally, the church needs to create specific and personal opportunities for a discussion of sexual sin.  Small groups are an ideal setting for this.  This is certainly easier in gender specific groups, but can be done in coed groups.  It is sometimes best and more appropriate to split up into men and women so that each group can be comfortably frank in their conversation and confession, but there are times when couples can be of great ministry to other couples by sharing their story in a mixed group.

What needs to be in place in a church to help someone struggling with sexual sin?

1. Church discipline-by this I don’t mean the shunning and judgmental spirit so many people think of when they hear this phrase, but rather the heartfelt desire and determination to see a brother or sister in Christ restored to a loving relationship with their Savior.  Although it is not without accountability, true church discipline is an act of love born out of the knowledge that turning a blind eye, or excusing sexual sin, is like encouraging destruction in men and women’s lives.  When sexual sin is not lovingly confronted, we are tacitly participating in spiritual darkness, broken marriages, and fractured souls. Proverbs 7:27 speaks of sexual sin as a woman whose “house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.” We need to fight for life, light, and truth in the lives of our brothers and sisters.
2. Other men and women in the congregation who are ready to step up and walk in encouragement and accountability with an individual or couple who is struggling with sexual sin. This process may start with pastors or elders, but can never end there since there are more sexual sinners in the congregation than there are pastors and elders to walk with them.  There must be lay wisdom-givers who are ready to walk faithfully with the repentant sinner.
3. If possible, a recovery ministry which provides a specific process which sexual sinners can achieve spiritual, emotional, and relational health.  At The Summit Church, we have a Recovery Ministry with a 12-step Christ and cross-centered recovery program.  I know for a fact that there are a group of guys that come together there to address and deal with their sexual sin.  God put us in a community for a reason. While sin thrives in isolation and darkness, recovery and healing take place within God’s grace and within his community.

What’s the wrong thing for churches to do?

1. Church discipline…the wrong way.  Shunning those or seeking only “punishment” when someone confesses to sexual sin.  This is the best way to guarantee that men and women will never be honest about their sin, including sexual sin.
2. Tolerance. The attitude that boys will be boys, or that it is a normal, healthy part of young men’s lives.  As mentioned above, this is like encouraging self-destruction.
3. Fear in the face of sin.  Let’s face it, sex is an uncomfortable topic to be honest about in many churches.  This is a culturally acquired discomfort, not a biblical attitude.  God is actually pretty comfortable talking about sex and sin.  When we seek comfort over speaking the truth in love, we are not only acting against our brother, but dishonoring God’s Word.

If you are dealing with sexual addiction or know someone who is, please seek help. You can begin by contacting Cynthia by email or by phone at 919.383.7100.